


Expertise

by Missy



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-11
Updated: 2014-11-11
Packaged: 2018-02-24 23:39:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2600600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sheldon is absolutely sure that he won't panic in the event of a zombie apocalypse.  He is sadly mistaken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Expertise

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Zombiefest '14, prompt: Big Bang Theory -- any characters -- The guys think they're prepared for the zombie apocalypse. They're not. (REPOST round 2013, 058.)

Sheldon Cooper was not afraid.

Only people too stupid to plan ahead for any disaster – natural or otherwise – gave in to terror, and Sheldon Cooper had…a _contingency_ plan. He had it memorized by heart. In case of zombie plagues or uprisings of any kind, the entire group was to meet in the back room of the comics shop as quickly as possible. Howard would bring his mother if need be. Meanwhile, Leonard would proof the back room to keep their lair safe, and it was Penny’s job to drag in whatever supplies she could from the Cheesecake Factory.

Sheldon should have recalled what he’d learned years ago - theory doesn’t equal fact.

During a late-night session in his beloved lab, when he learned that an outbreak of weaponized monkey pox down in engineering had turned half the building into a ravenous zombielike horde, he manfully stood up from his spot at the lunch table. He thought about what Darth Vader would do, what Jim Kirk would say, how The Flash would deal with the situation.

And then he reached for the paper sack that had carried his lunch and subtly moved toward the emergency exit before panic could set in further.

He hyperventilated his way out the back door and through a fire escape. Pure instinct diverted him away from the comic book shop and the designated, plotted, drilled for and logically created plan.

He ran like a majestic giraffe toward the apartment building.

Apparently the entire gang had duplicated his frightful reaction and rushed toward the building too; the front door sported more padlocks than Penny’s on a good day. Fortunately he’d learned how to pick locks – he was an engineer, not a monkey.

They had gathered in the apartment and were presently all counted for – locking the door behind him, he wondered, “Are they still simulcasting the season premiere of Doctor Who?”

Penny – from her perch with the rest of the girls – seemed to be fortifying the cabinets with hundreds of cans of creamed corn. “Sheldon, we’re in the middle of an apocalypse.”

Sheldon sighed. “Well, that’s no excuse!”

Leonard sat upon the couch with a bat clenched in his fists, nervously jabbing it in the direction of any odd noise. Sheldon let out a disdainful sigh and sat upon his chair. “I suppose we could watch some Time Machine DVDs…”

“NO!” came his friends’ simultaneous shouts.

“All right – besides what Penny stole from the Cheesecake Factory we have three jars of mayonnaise, four TV dinners and a bucket of sauerkraut!” Bernadette emerged from the fridge, sounding as confused as Sheldon felt. “Did Howard’s mother do the shopping this weekend?”

“I don’t think my mother could walk that far! I mean, how could she possibly…” Howard laughed, trailing off. “Yeahhh. She got her hand on my credit cards during the rush here.”

“Do you mean that unpleasant woman’s in my apartment?” Sheldon asked Leonard, and received no response.

“And on your bed,” Raj said from his perch by the window.

Sheldon hunkered down with a paper bag at the woman’s scream. “HOWIE! I need you to turn on my stories!” came her shout. While Howard vacated his spot on the couch, Amy usurped it – and rested her hand on his knee. “Sheldon, since the end of the world’s rather…nigh…perhaps we could consider giving into our primal urges and saving the species. For the good of humanity, of course.”

She patted his knee. Sheldon cringed.

They had a very long apocalypse ahead of them.

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction uses characters from **The Big Bang Theory** , all of whom are the property of **CBS Television**. No money was earned from the writing of this piece of fanfiction, and the author makes no legal claim upon the characters within.


End file.
